The day started, I was already exhausted from the night before. Very much lack of sleep, tossing, too much noise, too much noisy thoughts.
I feel as if something came over me, might as well get used to this feeling, walk up and introduce myself to it, feels like it’s going to be an ongoing partnership from now until forever.
I haven’t been on social media in quite some time- reiterating the stagnancy of just existing and feeling empty, in a haze- and maybe that was my mistake today. I got into a loop of just checking out a new reels, some had a few cool sounds, thought I’d save them, use them for future ideas and video forms.
Little did I know it would open a full-ass can of sadness and depressed feelings within me today. I thought for sure I was on the up and up for life: prioritizing myself and my mental health amongst the other dimensions of health, started training for a new job, radiating only positive vibrations, being optimistic..
Out of nowhere, I find myself swarming in tears again. Replaying this one snippet of a song over and over and over and over again. Trying to feed the cats with tears, peeing with tears, rolling around with the dog in tears, trying to muster up the strength to eat with tears, wandering throughout the house feeling lost again, with tears.
Maybe this is normal? Maybe these tears are to be expected until the bucket is run dry?
The shame ensues, the guilt stagnant. The fixated memory of one of the last times I was with my cognitive Dad, holding his hand, stroking the top of his smooth skin. Hesitant to let go, I didn’t want the moment to end. His eyes, his self, still there, as he says his “I love You’s” and my heart weeping.
Bringing me to a heart shakingly painful cry today with that now core, fixated moment in time. These are the demons that keep me up at night.
Its becoming harder to stay sane and be true to myself, while still holding onto what’s left of my human, soulfilled essence while going through such turbulence.
Everyday brings different emotions I always think I am prepared for, but, in the end, it deems I an just missing the ready-line.
Feeling empty. Needing a hug. Wanting his face back.
xx
My Fluttering Mind 
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