My dad passed early Friday evening. Just we all were gathered and said out final goodbyes, he felt ready to drift into his final sleep a mere four hours after we left him. As an ode to him, to my sanity, and not be drowned by my impending thoughts, I’ve decided to write. Write to heal, write to write, write for growing and dealing with the hardships, to question certain aspects of my life I’ve been avoiding, to not forget what once was, to keep this memory and turbulent time in my life alive in the most profound way.
I received the text from my sister at 8:29 pm, and I wrote this as I was settling into bed with my roommate, who coerced me to just be by her side so I wasn’t alone, her comforting me in the only way she knew how. As much as I wanted to be alone, my only way to heal and move forward was by writing what follows:
I knew this was coming from the start, but what I didn’t know, was how much the pain would instantaneously rip a piece of my heart out and throw it out like it never existed. Ripping you from my existence and leaving that void just as is.
I don’t really know how to be right now. I don’t know what feelings I should feel. I don’t know if i want to scream out in anger, or have many small cries to myself because the pain is already so unbearable and I don’t know how to respond to it.
What I’m scared of losing is not only your human form, but the thoughts of you and the core memories just slowly slipping away.
I don’t have any mementos from you, or anything I can hold to feel like you’re still here with us. I took one of your jackets from the stuff in the basement and brought it up with me. It doesn’t smell like you, that signature scent of your pheromones that always tended to linger about you, within the essence of your cologne at the time.
That was my favorite smell. It was like home to me. That is my favorite scent. It feels like home to me.
Without you, without any trace of you, leaving behind nothing but your legacy, I feel already so lost. I’m scared I don’t know what to do. I want to be strong for the family, the girls, be an example, stand tall like how you always would.
But inside me multiple parts want to crumble, are on the floor in shambles, withered in sadness, grief, disbelief.
I knew this day was coming, but I never wanted to believe it.
I thought you would fight it, you would have a miraculous recovery, I get to see you smile and laugh, to see the joy and pure happiness light up your whole face.
But I never did.
As hard as it was for me to walk away from you everytime, I knew there was nothing I could do but wish you a peaceful passing when the time finally came.
One of the last times I came to see you when you were still somewhat conicent, at the last moment you turned up and said you loved me SO much and it broke my heart, in one of the best possible ways.
Itried to save al of the voicemails youve ever left me, no matter how long or short. I knew that one day I’d be able to listen to them back and they’d mean something to do.
I wasn’t aware that day would be today.
It only makes me feel shame of how many times you called me just wanting to hear my voice an dI never returned your call out of fear.
I couldn’t see right in front of me the love you were showing me until now, now that its too late. And that on its own its something I will regretfully keep with me. And now its too late to give you a call just to catch up, tell you I returned from my trips, I’m alive, and just to hear my voice, and yours in return.
It already feels like a memory, the strength in your voice, the depth of your ‘i love you’s’.
You were the only one I let call me baby, trademarking that intro, because I secretly loved it. And now thats something I can look back upon and smile knowing that was something we had, I was just too stupid to realize it until now.
I now yu were fighting for a long time, feeling lost and out of your element, everyday, waking confused, probably scared and just wanted things to be normal again.
I am immensely sorry for how this tragedy was struck upon the remaining years of your life. But as far as I know you weren;t in any pain, and for that i am thankful.
Its not easy for anyone to have a parent suddenty taken from them. Although yours was prolonged with your deterioration, it doesn’t feel any less painful.
With every thought, a sharp dagger to the heart. Only widening the void.
I’m happy if you went peacefully. I can be happy if it was quick, pain free, within divine timing.
I know you held out as long as you possibly could for us, hearing us all together at last again, thats all you ever wanted.
And I finally get it.
I’m sorry it took me so long.
I’m sorry I was blind to see what was right in front of me all along.
I’m sorry I wasn’t always there when you needed me to be, but you still never gave up on me.
I’m sorry I put so much pressure on the ideals of our relationship when you were only loving me to the best of your abilities.
I’m sorry I never came to you with my issues out of fear of bothering you or not being enough
I’m sorry you never made it to my wedding or my first child’s birth
I’m sorry I never got to be with you on your last breath, as I don’t think I’m strong enough yet to handle that.
I’m sorry I wasn’t born a boy and felt the need to make that up to you for the rest of my life, but I hope I made you proud in some ways, and made up for the fact.
Looking back, I regret a lot of things i my life, but nothing can fill that void of not being closer to you the way I wished I was.
I will take you and your life lessons along with me throughout my remaining years.
I will continue to embrace family and all the values you’ve instilled in us children.
I will make an effort to give back and see people as they are.
I will stand up for whats right, and fight the good fight if necessary.
I will be the rock that people need in times of worry or fear,
I will be the beacon of light for the ones who’ve been lost along the way.
I would give anything to give you one last big bear hug.
With your arms swallowing me whole
Engulfing me, yet making me feel safe and sound.
I will never forget you.
I will never forget your love.
I will cherish you in the forefront of my heart, as if you are still here next to me in this life.
I will call out to you in times of need and hope to hear a response.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I’m confused. Very turned about. In shock and disbelief.
I don’t want to face tomorrow without you.
I don’t want to face any tomorrows without you.
I will try, but right now this emptiness has taken its toll.
I miss you, I miss you. I miss you.
Rest well. Please watch over us.
Give us your strength daily.
Whisper sweet messages to us while we are sleeping so we can dream peacefully of you.
I don’t want to forget you and all that you’ve taught me.
Please help guide me to a better path in life. Bless me with your knowledges and drive to succeed to higher places in life.
Please let me make you proud, if thats all I do in ife. I will do it all for you.
Its not a goodbye, because I will run to you in heaven when I see you next.
I love you more.
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