My Fluttering Mind

10/02/2024

It looks a lot different these days, than the imagined dressed in all black, standing, looking somber with flowers in hand, head down, looking upon an opened casket.

I’ve been going through a lot of shifts lately. A lot of which I am unaware of, not sure how to deal with, not sure where to turn, how to deal, am I managing it/this/myself correctly?

I know I’m just going through it. I am allowing myself the space and grace to just feel the feelings.

The feelings of my heart being cut in half, yea, its still there.. but being able to just Be with myself, and process. Yea, this shit is 1000% necessary.

I’m questioning everything. Replaying all the feelings from prior- where they even real? Or was I blind to my fantasies, all this time, letting them lead me astray, further from myself than when I started.

I’m sad because of all the time, energy, mental strength I’ve given and had to endure to pull through, just to make it work. I’m not saying this is a bad thing at all, but, there’s been a fire burning within me at the same time, my own fire has been put out- fighting that urge to keep going because I’m not a quitter and my own sense of Self gasping for air, as she slowly loses grip on the reigns of her Sovereignty. But its all in the name of love right?

Who am I to sit here and succumb to something that’s out of my element. I wanted an adventure, something different, something that felt good, something to obsess over, something to draw my attention towards. It was something I wasn’t use to, and I was up for a challenge. They say that what’s uncomfortable or ‘boring’ to most, is because your nervous system is so used to the chaos; I let him get under my skin.

I put all my trust in him. So much so, I lost it within myself. Spending hours upon hours, days, nights, recruiting supplies to lay this supporting foundation. Losing myself in the process. Just to find the walls were never even as strong as I made them up to be.

I don’t know why I chose to continue this, because I knew from the start I was getting the bare minimum. I told myself ‘I’m not doing this to change anything’, ‘I accept you as you are.’ Just another hard lesson I’ve had to grapple with over the last 15 months.

I was never stuck. I was never forced. It was communicative. It was going, growing, brick-by-brick, stone-by-stone. I thought snail pace was better than no pace at all, I kept telling myself. Still no key to enter your heart, come and go as I please, knowing you’ll be there when I come back around.

Am I grieving the time I lost on myself? What could’ve been a radiant future. One filled with everything I’ve ever desired, and more, all the opportunities, light and ultimate love.

Breaking me down, with one more thing I’m giving, an alternative to trying from the last time, approaching differently, morphing to his comfort, his desires. Never opening up, you never let me in. Leaving me questioning is it me? Is it you? Is it us? Such a good guy, everyone says. Pulling me back in more turned about and confused. I don’t get anything from reading his eyes. What’s he hiding? Why still, after all this time, am I left wondering. It’s a fine line I’ve been walking since day one.

Grieving the moments she felt left out. Left behind. Questioning her worthiness. Try after try, she continued, to feel lost and discluded. Longing for a consistent sign of togetherness, safety, words signifying I made the right choice. The moments of light that shone through, leaving glimmers like little breadcrumbs. Enough to keep me waiting, trained, at a standstill. Enough to backtrack, and erase all my progress. Emptying my cup, again, and again, and again, only to put my dire needs aside so you were ok. Taking the stabs at my heart, and telling myself ‘it’s ok’, though it continues to happen, ‘its constructive criticism, and it’s coming from a loving place,’ leaving me in shattered pieces, but ‘I don’t need anyone to help me, I’m grown and can manage this on my own.’

Scared to be myself. Out of fear for what.. ?

Staying only to morph into what was deemed acceptable, attractive, what was desired. Quieting myself to make room for someone I don’t recognize. Making me feel like I’m too much at times, and sticking around, quieting myself further. Ignoring the signs, the lessons I’ve been begging for. To believe I need someone to be a worthy somebody.

Thats the double edge sword when you’re a Giver. Nobody told me, how it would feel to be drowned. But I stayed. I numbed. Getting used to what started as comfort, eventually leading to a comfort that wasn’t comfort at all. But not knowing what exists outside this foundation anymore. I trialed. I figured it out on my own. Despite of my mental health. I did it and lived through it.

Stringing me along like a telephone. Not building me up, less courage and strength to stand up and walk away. Dancing in the palm of your hand. Just for you. I wasn’t in his prison. I was in my own. On my own accord. And I think thats the hardest part, knowing he is not the cause of this. His lack of experience is not in anyway a shame, but the continued dismissal of my needs- thats on me.