My Fluttering Mind

It seems as if the reoccurring theme in my life when people that tell me they care about me the most, then end up leaving is the most profound and impactful I think I will ever have to bare in this lifetime.

I guess with each heartbreak you become more resilient, but it doesn’t mean that it gets any easier when the breaking open is happening. Sure it’s a necessary death before the rebirthing happens, but no one talks about the in between. The moments where the sadness hits you like a ton of bricks and has your heart feeling literally empty. Weightless. Pointless. Your nervous system disrupted. Internal alarms sounding as if a real emergency has happened and you stand there frozen not knowing what to do. Like your cavity is just bare. Can’t breath. But painful at the same time.l where you feel every thing 1000 times more. I don’t know what a heart attack feels like, but heartbreaks feel pretty damn close to me.

The airy density of the darkness creeping in to take over what was once your happy void. The happiness from what was, just leaking out all at once. Each memory being handpicked, held up in front of your eyes like a movie flashing by on a screen, as it slowly dissipates into the void, never to be seen again. Until the next volcanic rupture comes and decides to thrash that against the pane of the windows to your heartache, and it becomes a marathon of memories that play over and over in your mind until one day you’re strong enough to get out of bed, or you decide the bathroom floor isn’t fit anymore.

Feeling decrepit, bare, hollow, weak, frail, hunched over, a shell of yourself. Nothing is amusing. Nothing surprises you. Nothing can help heal you in this moment of time. And that’s the scariest thought- what if I’m stuck like this forever?

Your cats aren’t comforting enough, their weight doesn’t bare the mass like your body once did, nor equal the size of this hurt. Your mothers hugs aren’t as comforting, safe or secured feeling like yours brought me the peace I so wish I had right now. Your sister, she offers advice, but it’s not your words you so cherished every time you went to them for anything, just to hear their voice. Your best friend, although she is your partner in crime, your soulmate, a different bond, one of a kind out of this world, it’s not the bond you had just cut ties. The one that made your heart beat out of your chest. Your hands clammy with excitement. Your soul scream with lustrous desire and profound fulfillment. The one that made your eyes water every time you saw them because you just, couldn’t contain the happiness.

You can’t force love. I am sure of this. But when one party is still riding the wave and you look back thinking your partner is next to you and they are actually drowning under the waves, it’s the battle of the head and the heart at that point right? You thought you were reading the same book, the same chapter, and you notice their is in German and yours is in English and it’s not even the same genre. At which point did we cross wires? Where did the communication not click? How long have I been living in Lalaland and haven’t coke up for air? Then the questions start circling back towards you like everything you tried and tried and tried to do was never enough. Then you circle back to yourself and begin to dwell as if you were never enough. And that’s the worst feeling of all.

I love fast and I love hard. I have no regrets. Everything is a learning experience l, I realize this and I haven’t learned this with every relationship I have been in. Whether romantic or friendly or platonic, they are all give and take. If you’re giving 100, they better be too. If you’re giving 110, and they’re only giving 10, you can’t turn around and think you’ve got to give another 100 to make up for the slack. I think that’s just reality. But that shit hits hard. A pill I ever wanted to confront really. And not something anyone really walks you through, teaches you in school, parental advices, I’m sure there’s loads of things on TikTok these days.

Oh, if everything could be smoothed over with but a hug and a kiss, this is what I truly miss.